"From sex to sexuality"
What should be the most natural interaction between people, based on the universal law of polarity, where attraction and repulsion are the basic poles of sexual intercourse has in many cases become a subject overshadowed by fear, shame, taboo and perversion.
It is clear when you start to experiment sexually or have sexual contact with someone, that we are moving into unknown territory. An area characterized by exposing ourselves, becoming naked in the presence of a partner. Symbolically, it is not only taking off our clothes as the revealing of our most intimate parts, but also the ability to open ourselves to a sensitive and emotional level of touch, caress, excitement and the igniting flow of intensifying hormonal impulses that take us to even more unknown dimensions. And yet all this new, which brings with it a tremendous new excitement, is in many cases blocked by shame, insecurity, fear of initiative or rejection rather than confidence and joy.
The sexual revolution of the 1970s, on the one hand, and the technological revolution of recent decades, open borders for the most unimaginable variations in which we can experience sex today. There is literally nothing left that cannot be found and experienced through the internet. The dearest of our experiences, connecting in physical form, is largely replaced by virtual sex.
"From sex to sexuality"
There is a lot of confusion today when it comes to sexual identity. The taboo culture on the one hand and the social influences about acceptance or rejection of same-sex sexual identification put enormous pressure on an individual.
Scrolling through the tab of polarity, knowing that every single creation in this universe is the result of male and female characteristics or energies, we should have found some enlightenment in the acceptance of both poles in each of us.
Every man and woman has both energies and so the possible identification can go either way, or combinations thereof. Judging or distinguishing it is not the least logic. Because what's the point of denying what is?
"Man or woman"
Acceptance is the rule, regardless of the influence of close relatives or the outside world, which in many cases has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. Yet "acceptance" is the greatest obstacle to the individual. He or she must first find out what he or she corresponds to: being male or being female.
The solution in this matter is to find the undeniable truth in yourself and to access your soul. How you do that is entirely up to you. Whether you look at it through the path of sexual experimentation in the different sexual orientations, which is an approach we should all favor rather than have an opinion or judgment about it. At least it has the ability to find something about our preferences, which is completely ruled out by opinions and reviews.
Finding contact with your soul is the driving force of your life and will manifest through all the impurities of your accumulated knowledge, your life experiences, your thoughts and stories about yourself and the belief systems that you have praised or hold on to. Only when you find the contact with your driving force within, you will find clarity about your sexual orientation. And that can be a bit more challenging than a sexual fixation due to the absence of a mother or father figure as a child, sexual compensatory roles through abuse, shame, rejection or not knowing who you are.
On the other hand, regardless of all the possible sexual identifications that exist today, whether you are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, transsexual, transgender, or possibly other forms in the future, each of these has the same polar pattern. One person plays the role of the man and the other of the woman. So far we know that polarity is not just a mental fantasy!
"From sex to sexuality"
Sex is easy
Knowing all of the above is one thing. What is to come has the vulnerability that few want to commit to. Sex is one thing. It occurs in the most diverse expressions you can 'imagine'. Somewhat less obvious is the general pattern of evolution that we see in people's sexual behavior and their relationship with each other.
Sex is pleasant and easy. In the first instance you get to know each other and you explore each other's boundaries. It basically comes down to finding each other's buttons, like "I do what you like, and you do it to me" with the intention of giving each other as much pleasure as possible. It actually comes down to and has the same feel as the exploratory masturbation when you were a teenager. With the only difference that you now have a partner involved and not just jerk off or dildo yourself in an effort to prolong pleasure and slow down climaxes. Because it all serves one thing, your own satisfaction, whether by "pleasing" or the "selfconfirmation" that you get out.
The general pattern, which we don't seem to notice because we are stuck at this level and have experienced nothing else, is that after some time, boredom seeps in. And then the second chapter comes into play. Very often it flows from one to the other, but it boils down to getting around this boredom. And with the same dedication as masturbation or exploring the pleasure in the other, we push our boundaries with other actions to find and increase the thrill, the arousal, and watered-down sexual polarity of the attraction.
Our relationship and sex have shifted to a flat line over time and we (of course) need the necessary substitutes of love to brighten it up. Looking for the wrong reasons in the first place, because love is never about pleasure, we try ways that are even further away from the direction we really need to take. Sexual toys, porn, additional partners, clubs and other forms to increase stimulation. Do not note that it is an equivalent way to the previous one that can satisfy your sexual indulgence for some time, but will undeniably fades over time as it is disconnected from what it should be.
"From sex to sexuality"
This concept, which initially started as a form of self-examination in our teenager years, has expanded into a very individual and also very isolated mental experience of the individual. What once started as an innocent exploration has become a prevalent rule in relationships, our sexual relations, and our marriage among the vast majority of men and women.
The character of masturbation is the search and concentration of the mind on a desired action, subject or person. All generated in the individual spirit of fantasy and as soon as the desired climax has disappeared, we (very often) open our eyes and return to reality.
This illusion, as it has become a predominant pattern in many relationships, with the man and/or woman closing their eyes and straying in the virtual experience of his/her fantasies, results in a real absence from the partner. You are physically present, but mentally drifting in your own world, not knowing who or what he or she focuses on in order to get the desired stimulus.
It is clear that this way of relating, present in many individuals and thus in their sexual relationship with others, developed into an unconscious behavior, norm or even a value, indicating that they are not really having sexual intercourse with each other, but a fantasy in which one is fixated. Often they are unaware of these patterns because they stem from childhood when the first exploration of a person's sexuality began.
One thing is certain. Masturbation led to exploring one's own sexuality and creating an illusory fantasy world. A fixation that is limited to the individual experience, also when dealing with someone else sexually. One goes back and forth to one's own genitals to stimulate them, instead of the flow that the other evokes in them.
It may all be an enjoyable ride, but in the end, the fact that you can't stay in the openness or each other's eyes together reveals the excruciating truth and devastating fear of not knowing how to have sex with each other. You may be fooling yourself for a while, but eventually you will come to terms whether you want to continue living in a fantasy or in reality.
"From sex to sexuality"
The real deal
How do we know this is the real deal?
Interesting question. But given what we know so far about relationships and sexual relationships, it doesn't take a lot of science to figure out that it doesn't really work. For those who want a more analytical approach, I invite you to consult the national statistics on marriages and divorces to mention the sheer reality that we are not doing very well in this area. What you may not see is the big picture. Your life as a puzzle and not just the piece you live now.
What is the real deal?
To come to this understanding, we need to talk about what really binds us to love. The fact that you like or are attracted to someone does not mean that you have a "heart connection". It just means that you like someone or feel attracted. And attracting is often "only" based on what we miss in our lives, or what we want so badly, according to an image or ideal. Have you never noticed that life always brings you what you need and not what you want? You could take some time to realize it, but eventually, if you get tired of yourself and your failures, you will start accepting other ways of reality.
The transition from sex to sexuality is from pleasure to love. If you were tired of the thinking games of what you thought love was, you might just be ready for the real deal. The heart connection. As the organ that symbolizes 'love' in every way, it is the same organ that inspires us with the greatest fear. It is not only the opposite of the mind that has served your love and sexual life so far, it is the place where we experienced our greatest pain (the absence of parental love, broken relationships or affectionate disappointments). No wonder we avoid it so rigorously.
Sexual relationships at this level are the path of opening up. In a relationship, it is this dynamic that breaks through our comfort zone. To open up is to open the heart and thereby become more deeply involved with yourself, in the first place and the other in the second. It bypasses any reason or understanding of the mind "how it should be." That in itself will leave you devastated if you try to control it, but it will attract you again and again. Until you fully commit to it and fully commit yourself to it.
It is that life force that brings out the best in people, very powerful in nature. You will know that this is real and comes from the right place. And only when the connection is in place, which is the challenging part of staying connected, will it lead you to sexuality like you've never experienced before. It will move you. Not you trying to get into this or that position, achieve this or that sexual goal or pleasure, or all the seemingly competitive sex using and abusing porn from the web.
The heart connection makes you irresistible to each other. It attracts in such a strong, fair way that opening up is the resulting effect. Your body and mind will open up and you will enter a natural flow that will draw you together to a climax, very often at the same time, depending on your ability to remain open.
It may not only sound very true, it is true. For many, it remains endless to experience because the human race is in a dynamic based on outer currents and vast accumulation of inner pain. Opening yourself up on the path of love means opening yourself up to the pain of the past and letting go of all the conditioning and beliefs you had about it. That's the real deal.
There is no absence on this path, there is no boredom. There is the challenge, with yourself. A challenge to open yourself up, to be vulnerable and present. Because only in presence can you connect, and only through connection can you feel love.